Talk about being caught off guard…but those were the words from my newly turned 14-year-old and youngest child one typical, busy Friday evening after a very long week of work, as I was cleaning up the kitchen sink that had been piling up all day. 

My immediate instinct was to respond “Absolutely Not!” as I felt the stress of the day both mentally and physically literally drain my entire body from head to toe.  But then as I looked into his piercing, young innocent eyes, I knew I had to temper my emotions with a truthful yet hopeful answer. One that would not only help him understand real life happiness vs fantasy but guide him as he journeys toward happiness for himself.

And so, rather than run down my ever prepped and ready list of the many milestones I hadn’t achieved in my career, or not hitting my weight goals, or money goals, or dreams I hadn’t (notice I said “I”) realized for my kids, or attaining the Cinderella “Happily ever after” life, I stopped myself and paused…. long enough for my kid to say “Tell the truth mom.”

I answered with a resounding and definite “Yes!” …but with context. You see, I explained to him that in the real world, no one is ever 100% happy with everything in their life all at the same time.  I described how I was happy to be alive and healthy, have 5 beautiful and healthy children, a husband and family I love, a job I’m passionate about, enjoy, and that pays my bills. Oh! and that I had a roof over my head, have traveled to many beautiful places in the world and within the USA, recently became a member of my youth dreams’ sorority, and that I had so many more dreams on my horizon to be realized. Most importantly I am blessed to have a personal relationship with God himself and his son Jesus Christ. These are the things that make me happy. Yet I don’t take them for granted knowing that so many in this world aren’t as fortunate to be blessed in this way.

I also explained there were so many other things I wasn’t happy about in my life but when I really sat down to think about them, in that very moment as I chatted it up with my baby, all those things paled in comparison. 

My dear queens, this women’s history month, as we celebrate the achievements and accolades of women in history both past and present, let us remember that you and I are literally “History in the Making”. We are fearfully and wonderfully made to quote the bible. We are simply unique. As a biology major in college I became very familiar with the makeup of human DNA. You and I are the only ones in the world with our beautiful, amazing DNA composition so whatever good we do with it in life is historical!

Let’s keep dreaming dreams big enough to make us happy today. Let’s back up those dreams with relentless work. And lastly, let’s not measure our happiness at any given point in time by those of others who have their own DNA to make history for.  Remember. Even on our seemingly worst day, some young king or queen in your life is watching and looking up to you with hope to help them travel well on their own DNA sequenced journey to the land of “Happy”. We all have so much to be happy about.  I hope you have your own kind of Happy Women’s History Month everyday with your beautiful and unique DNA.

Food for Thought:

“According to Merriam Webster’s dictionary, “Happy” is defined as enjoying or characterized by wellbeing and contentment.”

With love from a Queen.

There must be thousands of quotes out there and advice on that tiny 4 letter word “fear” and how it has the ability to debilitate one when we allow it to overpower us. The truth is we all have fears but the extent of its impact on our lives depends largely on how we manage it.  Here’s a little insight on how I’ve been able to subdue certain fears that were on the verge of stifling me.

Acknowledging It

The COVID-19 pandemic amplified my long standing fear of death. Ever since I was a child, I can’t remember what exactly initiated it (perhaps horror movies?) but anyway I’ve always had anxiety when it comes to death. This kept me from experiencing so much of the awesomeness and wonders of life from adventurous trips, to even trying new hobbies or procedures.  However, as I’ve matured over the years and God’s grace has kept me alive and in good health, I’ve come to realize that nothing I’ve done or not done has substantively contributed to my being alive today. There are people who live recklessly but live to be 100 years old and then others who are extremely conservative but die young. So acknowledging that I have no true power over how long I live has helped me to accept that certain things are out of my control. Thus, I am best served living and enjoying my life to the fullest each day so as to live with no regrets. I also remind myself as my pastor would say that life isn’t promised but death is. Basically, no one can guarantee on their own strength, the creation or sustenance of life but death (sad but true) is a guarantee for all who live. So why not live out loud like they say and make each day count!

Analyzing It

The truth is most of what we fear is highly unlikely to happen so why stress about it. Whether it is catching a particular, rare disease or ending up old, broke and alone, most of the things we fear aren’t going to happen the way we perceive them. So how do we break the power of worrying about these things? Confront it like a scientist. I basically analyze anything I strongly fear and ask myself. “So what if it did happen?” Then I walk through the impacts, fall outs, etc. and then plan on how to best mitigate them.  Example, if I feared being old broke and alone, I would consider what that would look like, how it may affect me and then I solve now for how to mitigate these negative impacts in the future. E.g. I would need to start investing more quality time into my good relationships and stop wasting time with futile ones. I would also focus more on saving money for my future so I will be financially secure. Knowing I have a strategy in place will then start to ease my “fears” and allow me to enjoy each day to the full!

They say the best ideas are in the grave today because of “fear”.  And fear is certainly something we women deal with more than our male counterparts from taking risks in business to our love life.  However, I believe that as we learn each day little by little to Recognize and Analyze our fears, we will ultimately Conquer them and live the best life we are called to live as powerful queens.

Signed,

A Queen

I remember it was a beautiful May day and I was a foreign college student in the United States when I was invited to a graduation party of a Nigerian student by a friend and that was where my life would forever be changed.

At the party I was asked to dance by a handsome young man I hadn’t met before. Later that evening, we would discover that we both were from different parts of Nigeria (I from the mid-Western part and he from the Southwest). We didn’t think much of it and carried on.  A few days later we went on a date and really enjoyed each other’s company. Little did I know that this friendship would lead to something serious but pretty soon my mystery man began to express interest in a  more serious relationship aka marriage.

It was then that it dawned on me that I was getting involved in a relationship with someone with whom I had significant differences- tribe, language, cultural beliefs, and more.

I dreadfully spoke to my father about my new found love but he was very furious and opposed the relationship.  He was very traditional and quickly pointed out the historical reasons why the marriage wasn’t a good idea. My boyfriend was from the Yoruba tribe and I from the Igbo tribe, these two tribes had historically been at odds with each other stemming from the Nigerian civil war and the rivalry continued through the generations. Other members of both our families were also not in support of our marriage citing reasons such as stereotypes about how each tribe viewed the other and more. In other words, our support system was non-existent compromising basically of my mother whom though she was skeptical trusted my decision.  

We decided to ignore our families and move forward with our marriage as none of the reasons they gave made sense to us.  And so within a year, we were married.

But soon the honeymoon was over and reality hit. After my husband and I moved back to Nigeria, I began to encounter challenges of our different backgrounds. Example, interacting with my in-laws was a challenge due to the language barrier which I didn’t understand and would often when in their midst feel uncomfortable as they would speak in their language ignoring the fact that I didn’t understand what they were saying and many times I thought I was the subject of their conversation.

Other challenges I faced would come up when my husband and I would make references to each other’s cultures in ways that exalted one over the other which was many times hurtful as it painted the other person’s culture in a less positive light and caused temporary tension.

However, we never waned in our devotion to each other because we were committed to making our family work. Our love for each other meant we had each other’s back.

The truth is while love is important, marriage is very strategic and the specific steps I took to make our differences a non-issue in our marriage were.

1. I practiced my Christian beliefs on how the bible describes marriage and the roles of each partner. And so I was submissive to my husband and didn’t let my pride take over. I let him make the big decisions for our family although I had influence as well.
2. I was financially independent. This was important to me as we already had the tensions of coming from different backgrounds so I didn’t want to create additional stress by being financially dependent on my husband.
3. I was very accommodating and welcoming of his family and treated them like they were mine I welcomed them to our home always as I knew that made him happy and grew my relationship with his family. It also sped up my knowledge of the language breaking down that barrier.

 These steps all proved successful as today, after over 43 years together, we thank God Almighty for generously blessing us with children, grandchildren and a happy home.

My advice for queens exploring marriage with someone from a different background whether it be religion, race, or culture is

1. Make sure you both truly love each other and understand the seriousness of marriage and are dedicated to never giving up on your love for each other no matter what comes your way.
2. Different backgrounds can present different challenges but you can’t look at it as a challenge because it won’t last forever.
3. Overall, the secret to a successful marriage is the same regardless of whether or not you are from different cultures. That secret is “dedication to the cause”.  You must both be determined to make it work and together stand against all the mountains you face as a team. Once you have that secret code cracked, you can marry anyone from any background and your differences will be a non-issue in the grand scheme of your love for each other.

Signed by,

 A Queen.

Some may call this straight from a fairytale but this is my reality.  While my classmates were prepping for junior prom, I was dropping out of high school to care for my ailing mother.  By age 19, I’d lost my beloved mother who was the matriarch of our family.  Couple that with being a young mother of a 9 month old and now having to care for my 5 year old brother, grieving amid my harsh reality left my young mind in total shock and disbelief.

I was raised in the church and spiritually grounded but at this critical point in my life, I wanted no parts of God as I felt abandoned in my most vulnerable state. I remained in this dark place for months while juggling my new role of mother and head of household.  Then like lightning one day it hit me. I had to get out from under this grief and honor my mother who would not have wanted me to live in despair.

So I returned to school, obtained my diploma and trained as a home health care provider. This career choice was my way of giving back to a service my mother had received for several years. During this time, I worked several jobs while obtaining an associate’s degree in information technology and computer programming.  I’d later become a pastor and pastoral counselor.

While working as a home health care provider, I observed so much pain, disparity, and misfortune among the patients and families I cared for. Many lacked resources and would often have to choose between eating a meal and paying for their medication.  Soon I found myself speaking on behalf of my patients and educating their families on resources available to help care for them.  My bosses noticed this and quickly promoted me to a patient care liaison.

 As I advanced in my new role, I gained a reputation for the quality of my work. Unfortunately, my passion for honoring the legacy of black heroes resulted in me losing my job for not coming to work on one MLK day (something that was previously agreed to).  As fate would have it, within 2 months, I was hired at another company as branch manager where I outperformed my colleagues and was promoted to regional director in the largest home health care company in my state. But, not everyone was thrilled for me and soon the owner’s insecurity would sever our professional relationship.

However, I believe every setback is a set up for God’s divine comeback. Man’s disappointment is often God’s blessing.  Soon I secured another job where I was hired as vice president with a six figure salary. My charge-was to take the company to the next level as they prepared to go public and that I did for several years. Then soon like déjà vu. One of the senior executives at the company discovered how much money I made and was determined to sabotage my integrity by trying force me to terminate & replace those with seniority. Those efforts failed with my integrity unblemished.

It was at this juncture, I decided to heed the advice of my husband and inner circle, to step out on faith and start my own business.   And so I quit my job, partnered with a colleague and we started our own home health venture. However, after just 2 years of financial losses, my partner gave up on the business and I was left to run solo. For the next 7 years, I endured financial losses regularly forgoing my salary to pay my employees.  Every professional voice of reason from my accountants to attorneys advised me to shut down but my faith wouldn’t buckle. God said it and I believed it so I hustled day and night trusting God will see me through.

In the process my circle got smaller, I fired my attorney and avoided people that were negative towards my vision. By the 8^th year things began turning around and today I am running a highly successful and the first Christian-based home health care business with multiple branches in my home state.  Staying true to my faith which I nearly abandoned, the mission of my business is to care for not only the body but the mind, spirit and soul of our clients and their families.

My advice for queens undergoing grief or any of life’s challenges is “Eternity is too long to be mad at God.” Don’t turn your back on God because in your moment of grief and despair is actually where he’ll best show you strength and growth to reach your God given potential.

Signed by,

A Queen.

The wise phrase, “It takes a village to raise a child” was one I had to learn the meaning of the hard way.  As a newly-wed and mother of a toddler boy, followed by a devastating miscarriage, the grieving process weighed heavily on me and everyday was a challenge.  The situation was exacerbated by the doctor telling us we may never conceive again.  However, a year later we were blessed when our daughter came into our lives. But, I was still grieving from the miscarriage and overwhelmed with the responsibilities of now being a mom of 2, wife and career woman. Juggling these various roles in addition to attempting to balance my emotional health was a challenge. 

Coupled with now having to raise a daughter and lacking a strong emotional/mental support system, I felt completely alone. I reached out to friends, relatives and older women who had raised daughters for their advice and support in raising my daughter into an emotional and physically balanced young woman. While some offered advice, most were of little help. Many times I felt frustrated and discouraged but as I do when all hope is lost, I turned to God and made a covenant with Him that if He helped me successfully raise my daughter, I would pay it forward and help others going through similar situations one day.

Then came my “Ah Ha!” moment. I began noticing that when I gathered with women of my age who also had kids in the same age group, they would casually mention the challenges they were facing with their daughters. I then decided rather than lament on these challenges, why not be the solution? So I connected with 15 women – friends, co-workers, friends of friends, etc.  I hosted an event and shared my vision of creating an organization where women with daughters can empower them to be successful, good citizens and leaders in their community. I wanted to give these young girls the necessary life skills and tools to maximize their God-given potentials. Fortunately, all 15 women jumped on board pouring out their experiences and little did we know we were all going through similar situations with our parenting.

While I had the apparent support of many women, I faced many trials along the way. From people not showing up to meetings or events, to disappointments from others whose expertise I needed to build the infrastructure of the organization. Others outright discouraged me and I quickly realized some of my “supporters” really didn’t believe in my vision and thought I would fail. However, I faced everything determined not to be derailed. My vision was too big for me to fail, so I reminded myself of my covenant with God and pressed on. First, I had to accept I was struggling with achieving my dream and needed help. Once I did this, I started reaching out to as many people as possible including absolute strangers for help and then the resources and expertise began to flow in!

Alas! After my personal grief and challenges adapting to a new horizon of motherhood, I remained steadfast, succeeded in my dreams and Moms & Me, Incorporated was born. I finally birthed an organization of women to help raise young girls by giving them a voice to support one another, use their talents to achieve greatness and truly be their sister’s keeper.

My advice for young queens out there is no matter what challenges you face in life, be willing to ask for help and share your story with others as you never know where help will come from. If you’re struggling, reach out to your local churches /organizations in your community for help with parenting or emotional support. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable as you never know who you will bless or who may bless you. Surround yourself with positive people and be careful whom you invite to your table. While you want to be careful who you keep in your inner circle, you should keep some of the naysayers in your rearview as they can be that motivation to keep you focused. Lastly, don’t regret any life challenges you face as they are intently there to build you and in the end God will take the glory.

Signed by,

A Queen

What is a frenemy?  According to Merriam-Webster, “A frenemy is a person who is or pretends to be a friend but who is also in some ways an enemy or rival.” And so begins the story of our featured queen this month.

As a young girl, I have always surrounded myself with female friends mostly because I was raised to avoid befriending boys so as not to be seen as promiscuous. And so I’ve always naturally gravitated towards my female comrades with whom I’d share secrets, travel the world, and we’d emotionally support one another.  As life pulled me into new phases, I continued to align myself with women in both my professional and personal circles. However, little did I know that there’d come a time where my life-long rule of thumb which had served me pretty well up to this point would be seriously challenged.

In my mid-twenties, I had formed a friendship with what I didn’t know at that time was a “frenemy”. She was several years older than I but we were at similar stages in life. We were both wives, mothers and striving to get our careers together. On the surface, our relationship seemed to be in a great space. We’d dine together, party together, have play dates, and more. However, there was always an underlying tension I couldn’t quite place my finger on.  It just seemed like at every opportunity, my frenemy would decide to give me the silent treatment, start an argument and there were a few screaming matches one while I was pregnant.

The crazy thing is it was always over the silliest thing, she’d complain I didn’t return a phone call or come to an event of hers, or I did not tell her about something I was doing, etc. It didn’t matter that I was always polite and respectful if I couldn’t honor her invitation or had a good reason if I didn’t return a call. She just always had a gripe with me.  And when we would make up, our conversations were mostly about her and what she was going through. This roller coaster friendship went on for many years and I was always trying hard to please her and though she was at times nice and pleasant to be around, the silent treatment cycle or arguments would resume the moment I did the slightest thing she didn’t like.

After years of dealing with this love/hate relationship which had taken a toll on my peace of mind, I decided I had to take action. We’d tried many times to talk things through and understand what each other needed in the friendship to no avail and so this time I had to do something drastic.  

First, I stopped inviting her into key aspects of my personal life from events to daily phone calls. Next, I started declining her invitations to intimate, inner circle occasions without giving excuses. Simultaneously, I began spending more alone time and re-focusing on who I was as and what I wanted in life. I also started forming new, healthier relationships that were with like-minded people. Gradually my frenemy got the message and reciprocated the new dynamic of our relationship.

Finally the weight of that stressful relationship was lifted off me and my life felt renewed. I began having success in my career, I was happier in my family and social life. Because my mind was at peace, I began attracting positive energy and people who added value to my life.  Today, I on occasion interact with my frenemy as we still have mutual friends. However, there is a mutual respect for our boundaries and I relate with her on my own terms without the stress it brought for far too long.

My advice for queens who may be dealing with a frenemy is simple. Trust your instincts and your spirit. If you are in a relationship that is draining you and your gut tells you this person may see you as a competitor and not a true friend, “pump the breaks”. Take control of the relationship by taking bold actions that send a message to the person that you will no longer be their emotional punching bag. Either cut him/her off entirely or dial it back significantly. Don’t waste precious time nurturing a relationship that is robbing your peace as it can be holding you back from truly living and attracting all the greatness life has in store for you.

Signed,

A Queen

“If you’re not growing you’re dying” is a common phrase from the famous motivational speaker, Tony Robbins. And it couldn’t be any truer than in the following queen’s story… 

If you are attentive and in synch with your life’s quest, you will surely experience many “Ah Ha!” moments in life that can lead to groundbreaking victories. That was the case for me.  As a successful, “go-getter”, finance and accounting professional, I was used to putting my best foot forward at all times and basking in the results of my corporate career.  However, as a young working mother of 2 young girls with a third on the way, there came a time where the sweet career dreams I‘d been chasing seemed to gradually become night tremors.  

10+ years into my career I was in a decent accounting role in a large fortune 500 company that was leveraging all my professional skills but I was unhappy. I was working 3 to 4 times harder than my peers with absolutely no work/life balance and yet the climb up the corporate ladder was much slower than I envisioned. I was at a standstill.

And then my epiphany. I decided, I could’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result and so I took some much needed “Me Time” to reflect on my current career journey. The result of that self-evaluation was that “I deserved better than the credit I was not getting.”  Plus, I was not fulfilled personally or intellectually and wanted to be part of something bigger that impacted people’s lives in a very real way.

The tide began to turn for me, when I began a relationship with a mentor who was very successful in my professional field and I highly respected. The primary gem my mentor gave me that helped navigate my professional journey was “encouragement”. It boosted my confidence making me believe in myself and what I had to offer. This pushed me to step outside my comfort zone and envision myself working in an organization in a capacity that fully leveraged my skills, allowed me to grow; and whose core values aligned with my personal, longer term life goals.

The actionable steps I took were 1) I took some professional development courses that made my profile more attractive to recruiters. 2) I strategically sought out companies that shared similar values and missions. 3) I applied for all types of roles including some I didn’t fully meet all the qualifications. This was intentional. I stretched my vision because I love challenges and believe I can do anything I put my mind to.

The end result was I landed in an organization that not only provided me the career opportunity I desired, but allowed me to grow and afforded me the work/life balance I needed. The icing on the cake was the company’s mission aligned with my personal values. I was so much happier. Suffice it to say, taking that “Leap of Faith” paid off big time.

My advice for any queen at a crossroad professionally that feels “stuck” not knowing how to break that glass ceiling is…

1. Know your worth and what you bring to the table. It may sound cliché but this is critical to the process of building your confidence which you need to take the first step toward success. Take time to do some soul searching and ask yourself “What contributions am I making in my current role? What unique skills do I have? What does success look like for me?”
2. Touch up your resume. Take a look at your marketing collateral aka your resume’. Make sure you highlight both hard and soft skills that will make you attractive to your dream organization.
3. Lastly, according to song artist George Michael “You got to have faith!  To be a great leader, it takes courage. Step outside your comfort zone and apply for that dream job even if you don’t meet every single criterion/check every box. Men do this all the time which is why they are so successful.  It is okay! You can learn some things on the job and that is how you grow.  Maintain a positive attitude. Trust God and the process. Know that once you’ve done your best everything else will work out for your good in the end. It did for me and I know it will for you!

Signed by,

A Queen.

I didn’t exactly have your textbook upbringing. Born in the northeastern parts of the United States, I have no recollection of my birth mother and was adopted by an older couple from the rural south. After being brought up by my adoptive parents in a strict, Baptist home, at the age of 15, I moved back with my biological grandmother (my birth mother had passed away).

It was a culture shock going from a strict Christian home to living with my biological Muslim family in a home with no structure.  It wasn’t long before I met my first crush and at the age of 16, I was pregnant and at the demands of my grandmother and social services caseworker had an abortion. Following the abortion, the relationship between my grandmother and I was tumultuous and ultimately one night at the age of 17, she put me out of the house.

While out on my own, I got involved in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship with a man 12 years older than me and we had 2 children.  After a few years, he was arrested and put in prison where he would serve 5 years for drug dealing. I was also arrested and charged as an accomplice but released on a Pre-Trial Intervention.

However, rather than go to rehabilitation, I continued to use illicit drugs until one day my life hit rock bottom.  That afternoon, I was supposed to take my young sons out shopping but instead went off with a guy (leaving my young kids at home alone) to get high on drugs. I wouldn’t return until the next morning.

When my sons asked me upon my return to take them shopping, I realized the money I planned to use had been spent – on drugs. The look of disappointment on my sons’ faces crushed my soul. That moment, I was overcome with so much pain and guilt. I attempted ending my life but instead took my kids out of the house and ran into my best friend who immediately took us into her home and checked us into a drug rehabilitation program. We would remain there for 2 and a half years.

After the program, I was clean and had to start over. Determined to become a better mother, I juggled multiple jobs, working at grocery stores, fast food restaurants, anything to take care of my children. I also enrolled and nearly completed a Certified Nursing Program however was discouraged by people who said the state would never certify me to practice due to my past legal record. And so I abandoned the program and began searching for the next thing.

One day while working at one of the retail stores a customer I had become friendly with, offered me a job working at a law firm doing office work. He trained me and I researched and taught myself technical skills that helped me succeed in that role. I continued to learn, grow and move on to other law firms.  When I reached a level where my salary had plateaued, I decided to go back to school to improve my chances of earning more income. Driven by my determination to provide a good life for my kids, I enrolled in a local university, worked during the day, tended to my kids after work, then went to school at night. I focused solely on my goals and kids and didn’t date anyone during this time.

Two years later, I’d earned my Associates Degree in Computer Networking.  This boosted my confidence and I began applying for higher level roles in large cities. Upon getting each new job, I would work extremely hard to succeed and stand out ….going in early, performing highly and working late everyday. This work ethic has continued to progress my career.  Today, I make a six-figure income working for a successful law firm in New York City.  The best reward is that my sons are now grown successful men and great fathers themselves. I finally became that better mother I had promised them to be on that fateful day.

My advice to young queens who may not have had a rosy start in life and made mistakes is 1) Never stop wanting the best for yourself. 2) Don’t let anyone stand in the way of your dreams and goals. Figure out what you want and give it your best effort. 3) Show up for yourself when you finally get a chance to reach your dreams. That means always put your best foot forward. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. But if you give it your all, the sky is the limit.

Signed by,

A Queen

The year 2020 for most of us will likely go down in history as the most challenging. However, there’s a wise saying “Focus on the Positive”. I couldn’t agree more with that saying as I’ve come to realize that the more you focus on the positive, the less the impact of the Negative.

As a mother of 5 children ranging from recent college graduate to elementary school student, being their supermom has always been my greatest source of joy and number one priority. So when the COVID-19 pandemic hit earlier this year, minimizing the impact (both physical and emotional) on my children became paramount.  Ten months later, I can say that my children are just as happy today as they were before the lockdown. With the exception of course of missing out on a party here and there and in-person schooling.  Which is not the worst thing in the world if you ask me.

Below are some of the things I have been doing to keep the good vibes flowing at home with the kids despite the craziness that this pandemic has wrought all around the world.

1. Spiritual Grounding: As a family, we have always endeavored to raise religious children as part of our catholic faith but with the lockdown and not being able to attend weekly church in-person, we had to get creative.  At first we tried watching the mass (aka church service) on television but noticed the kids would tune out easily and so after the second week, we began celebrating our own family masses. Each Sunday morning, we would gather the kids around the table and start with some praise and worship, followed by having each child partaking in a reading from that week’s sermon. Afterwards, each child and adult would individually share what the readings meant to them and how we they/we could apply it in our daily lives today to live a happier, more fulfilled life.  Lastly, we would, each take turns in saying a prayer for ourselves and the world. This activity has been the most helpful because it enables each child to express how they are feeling, verbalize issues they are dealing with and connect their experiences to God’s counsel and solution to the situation. It has been very therapeutic and helped build the kids’ confidence while reducing their anxiety about the pandemic as they gained peace of mind believing everything will be just fine and knowing they are loved by their family and God.
2. Relaxing the Rules: With social distancing not permitting the kids to socialize with their friends or attend in person school and sports, they developed new hobbies most of which have been from the digital world aka video games and telephone/social media.  While normally, we would have very strict time limitations on when and how long they can be on their devices, we have had to bend the rules significantly and allow them to enjoy their gadgets much more often as it has appeared to give them some form of enjoyment and connection with their friends virtually. Their alternate “happy place” helped distract them from the bleakness of the pandemic.
3. Grading on a Curve:  Virtual schooling has quickly become the norm for most children this year but it isn’t without its downsides.  Like most parents, we provide our kids with everything they need to succeed in virtual school yet it still presented challenges to the kids early on. As parents, juggling full time careers can make it challenging to monitor their classwork during business hours. The result was an occasional missed assignment, an incomplete or late project, and consequently some less than perfect grades.  This year, we quickly learned to pivot and check in with each kid individually at the end of the school day (middle of work day), to ensure they are on track with turning in their assignments and preparing in advance for upcoming tests. This has helped the kids stay on track with their grades and succeed academically.

In addition to these, other things we’ve done is incorporate family fun activities like game nights on weekends, have more take-out dinners, and on special or rare occasions, allow them to safely socialize with a few friends in person to keep them well balanced socially.

My advice to queen mothers raising kids at home during this lockdown is to try and minimize the pandemic noise around you like the negative news updates. Find ways to give your kids a regular spiritual boost and encourage communication about how they are feeling. Lastly, ease up the rules from housekeeping and chores, to socializing and school. I’m not suggesting completely turning a blind eye to school just cut them some slack when there is an occasional slip up. Then get creative about how they can do better in the future. If ever there was a year to be flexible and focus more on the positive which is the love and support of family, 2020 is that year.

Signed,

A Queen

At the age of 19, I fell in love with my prince charming who was 16 years older than I was, had a very successful career and treated me like a princess.  By age 21, we had a traditional African marriage ceremony but hadn’t done the legal wedding in the United States. This legal wedding would end up being something he’d put off for years to come. By 23, I had my first child and 7 years later I was pregnant with my 4^th daughter.    

However, our relationship was constantly strained from multiple sources. From the pressures of my mother in law over my not having a son, to interference from outside sources whenever my husband and I would have disagreements, there was always something causing tension that drew us farther apart. Finally, one day while pregnant with my 4^th daughter, I was forced out of my home by my husband who invoked the law to enforce it since we weren’t legally married by U.S.A. standards. 

Suddenly my life seemed to disappear right before me. I had gone from living in a mansion as a stay at home mom to being on my own. I felt alone with no family or anyone to turn to but with 3 kids and one on the way, giving up was not an option. I immediately began working 12 hour shifts at the local supermarket while juggling caring for my children.

Every day was a struggle both financially, emotionally and mentally.  Luckily I had built relationships with some international students from the local college who often helped me baby sit and in turn I would make home cooked meals for them.  Over the years, I gradually settled into a routine but still struggled to accept my reality. I strongly resented my ex-husband who was constantly taking me to court for child custody battles and had moved in with a woman whom I had considered and treated as a friend.  I was overwhelmed with emotions and although I tried counseling, nothing seemed to help. I had hit my rock bottom and saw no hope.

Then one day after several excuses, I finally agreed to go to church with my baby sitter who had been inviting me forever. Although God was the farthest thing from my mind as I felt hurt and betrayed by God, and I was terrified from my experience at my baby sitter’s Pentecostal church (I was catholic), I returned for a second visit. On that second visit following prayers by the pastor and members, I felt God’s mercy and peace upon me and soon my daughters and I became part of the church community.

My epiphany however came one day in 2010, when God revealed to me that he would do great works in my life but first I must forgive my ex-husband and the woman I had once called “friend”.   While it took some time for me to get there, I eventually found the strength to let go of all the unforgiveness and anger I’d been harboring.  Soon afterwards, positive things began happening to me. I received favor almost everywhere and when least expected. I got a good paying corporate job in banking. I began pursuing an undergraduate degree and bought a new home in a highly desirable neighborhood. I started enjoying life again with my 4 daughters while growing spiritually and bonding with my new church community.  While it seemed like it took forever, I eventually finished my undergraduate degree and ultimately received my PhD.

Although today, it may seem like everything ended perfectly, the road wasn’t always easy. I had sacrificed dating to focus on raising my daughters and improving myself and there were many times I felt like giving up on life.  However, somehow God always intervened and those thoughts quickly vanished.  

My advice to young queens who find themselves alone as single mothers is  1) Know that you are worth so much more than any failed relationship and you will fulfil your God given purpose one day if you just keep pushing forward.  2) Focus on yourself and your children i.e. take care of yourself; look good always; do what makes you happy and spend time getting to know your children.  3) Encourage yourself daily by meditating and discovering who you are. 4) Find a support system to help you on this new journey as there will be days you need it both financially and emotionally…for me it was the church. 5)  Keep trying to improve your skills. After my failed marriage I was on a mission to make sure I proved everyone wrong and so I stayed focused, close to God and in the end, I won the victory.

Signed by,

A Queen.